KBS-GOT

Slumped in my chair like I’m having a Pina Colada during sunset on Luquillo beach in Puerto Rico, I sit watching the second hand move its turtles pace around the clock. It’s an hour until the weekend starts and I’m already mentally checked out. From this point on I will not pick up my phone, I will not start any new tasks, I will just sit here waiting for my freedom. I write a few reply emails letting clients know their project will be continued after I enjoyed my two days of me time. I check the weekend weather for the third time today. I check the traffic for my ride home. I refresh my Facebook window. I refresh my Instagram feed. I refresh my Twitter stream. I get a call.

It’s 4:15pm, 45 minutes until I get to have the honor of being stuck in traffic trying to get home to only sit on the couch and do nothing.  But that’s my nothing and I worked all week to afford to be able to sit on my couch, in my house, on my terms. So do I answer the phone? Do I pick this up and ruin my chance of getting home on time? No! I’ll let it go to voicemail.

I stare at my monitor, daydreaming about what I could possible do this weekend and in walks Jon Snow. Adorned in all black fur and black leather garb, his boots thump on the ground as he approaches my desk.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME? “I just called you brother” he leads off with. “Yeah I just got back to my office, what’s up?” I reply. “Did you see that email about the widling girl … wah wah wah awhh wah haw h ha” I zoned out for a minute and remembered today is Founders KBS day. Today is the day that I get to fight with other beer geeks over the last bottle of KBS sitting on the shelf and potentially have a beer manager break up an impending brawl over who gets the last bottle. Today is the day that shit goes down and gets real at the beer store. A thump on my desk snaps me back to attention and my desk papers fall to the floor. “So let me know when you’re able to get that done” he mutters. “Sure I’ll read over the email and let you know.”

Jon Snow walks out of my office with a resounding thump. I escaped that one with thirty minutes to spare. Now I have a mission and a purpose to my weekend, to secure a bottle of that luscious, delectable motor oil called KBS. I hop on beermenus.com and hunt it down.  I find the beer, map out my destination and fastest route, cross reference that with traffic reports and start packing up. Phone rings! HELL NO!!!!!!  

It’s Jon. I pick up the phone with 10 minutes left. That was a mistake. “So brother did you read the report? I need that reply before you go beyond the wall” He asserted.  “Yeah I read it but I can’t get to the reply now I’ll send out something tomorrow” I said. “Actually we need this now so please send me the information you bastard boy” I COULD GOUGE OUT YOUR EYES RIGHT NOW AND FEEL TOTALLY JUSTIFIED!!! Begrudgingly I turn my computer back on and sit down to write the email.

It’s 5:15 now and most of my co-workers have left. I finish the email, hit send and jump up with conviction, determined to make it to my car and get some KBS on my lips. I skip the elevator and take the stairs because you never know who you’re going to see in the elevator.  I power walk out the building to the parking deck and into the car. FINALLY!

I rush through the city streets to get on the highway and of course, so is everyone else. DON’T THEY KNOW I HAVE TO GET KBS!!!! I hit every red light and finally merge onto the highway after waiting in the longest on ramp line ever. I’m finally on and it’s a dead stop. Thousands of unsullied soldiers stand at attention in nice neat rows, clogging up the highway and killing any prospect of me reaching the beer store. WHY ME???

It’s 5:50 now and I play out every possible scenario on how I can convince the beer manager to give me a bottle out of his personal stash. I’m getting the sweats and I can’t stop fidgeting in my seat.  Weaving through rows of iron clad soldiers, I carefully make my way. I want to rage out and bang on my steering wheel but instead I turn on NPR and try to calm my inner dragon.

It’s 6:20 now and I’m finally pulling up to the beer store. Where I make a B line for the door and straight to the new arrivals shelf. There are 8 bottles of KBS available and my heart turns to mush. I get weak in the knees and I thank the lord of light that it’s still there.  Then the price tag smacks my in the face harder then Tyrion slapping Joffrey in the face. Only sold in 4 packs for $80??? I start justifying the price and other things I could get for that. I pace for a minute, grab one of the four packs and walk up and down the aisle. I needed time to think this through. Is it worth it? What could I get instead? What’s my wife going to say?

Price vs Palate who wins? Mortgage, two car notes, utilities, home and car insurance for two cars and more play through my head like a monologue from King Joffrey, killing my hopes and dreams. I start to think about things my daughters need like new clothes and how much groceries $80 could buy me and I start to feel guilty. My pits begin to sweat as I pace up and down the aisle talking to myself like an old maester trying to remember the golden ages of the Targaryens . I put back the KBS and back away slowly.

A knock on a door and I lift my head to see a janitor standing outside of my office asking me if everything was alright. I wipe the drool from my mouth give a nice stretch and realize its 6:30pm and I’ve been asleep for the last two hours.